As we near Valentines...

I'm aware of how fragile love makes me feel... vulnerable, indecisive, exhilarated, conscious of time passing, especially aging. I want to reach out in the middle of the night at the most annoying times and just hold my partner... love makes me aware of how silly I am, how inappropriately intense, and yet I can't do without it. For many years I was not a great partner, simply because I mothered well... when my needs weren't met, because they couldn't be in an imbalanced relationship, I ended things. I've paid for that dearly, time and time again... It took nearly 40 years to learn to be a partner, and an equal - and with the birth of my daughter, the opportunity still to nurture and mother someone...

Slowly I am touching the needs and the way of "right relationship", as my ancestors would say... I do much better relating with trees, plants, animals or crystals than I do with people, especially other women. I would have liked a better relationship with my mother, and to be a better mother than she was... nearing 5 years after her death I am realizing that, to be truthful, I am NOT a better mother, and I struggle to be in right relationship with my daughter. At least I'm doing better as a partner, although this is an ongoing work-in-progress too...

Intimacy is a strange dance. Living in the moment is hard for me, given the abuses of my past, and the threat/fear of pending loss. I've come a long way learning to live without waiting for the other shoe to drop, and be present, in this moment... Ruminating on past mistakes is futile, and wastes the moment, so I don't do it anymore - learned that one a long time ago. Being anxious over the future robs us of an opportunity to co-create with the universe. All we do with fear is manifest it, to be faced.

We are having a violently cold, blustery weekend... a dear friend had a head-on collision last night, after leaving here. He lives, but I have struggled with him today to help him to be present with the karma and shadow issues that have caused the crash. This mentor had no trouble staying away from "mothering" - perhaps in my harsh response to the stupidity of the situation my pendulum swung too far the other way. It was what it was, and we've worked through the situation although he has a difficult week ahead of him. How we can bring grief to ourselves sometimes.

I'm expected, as Nokomis of this lodge, to be compassionate, loving and to impart the medicine (which means teaching to us)... I don't do the loving part well, but I am learning. Perhaps, in looking back on my life, if I can love myself a little more, I can do better in the "loving others" department.

Waxing philosophical in this waning moon...