Only the Shadow Knows...

I am a student of relationship; I value what I learn from the co-existence I develop with people, animals, outdoor spaces - there is a special symbiosis that comes from a well-nurtured relationship.  Analyzing my past relationships with people, especially the unhealthy relationships, allows me to recognize patterns.  For me, a huge issue is abandonment.  I was abandoned emotionally as a child, and in turn found myself "jumping ship" in adult relationships, if I got a whiff of trouble brewing...

One of the troubling bridges to cross for people is developing new relationshiops when they're healing from a troubled or dysfunctional (maybe even co-dependent) relationship.  It is easy to be with someone when the bloom is still on the rose; new love and renewed sexual excitement is thrilling at many levels.  We wear our best clothes, use perfect manners, and expect the thrill of the chase.  A maturing relationship seeks sweatpants and sneakers - when we don't want to wear make-up and a greasy spoon breakfast with extra syrup is perfect.  These are still nearly-new relationships, but the persons involved are stepping off the pedestal.  I'm concerned with the relationship where shadow begins to show itself.  The wounded think they're expressing wisdom by abandoning relationships when a new partners darker parts begin to show.  This is not wisdom~ this is fear and the expectation that one will be wounded.  Abandon ship!  No, this is fear, and bringing what you fear into a new relationship will sully it, and doom it from growth and depth.

Instead, I challlenge people to be grateful that they are being shown the shadow side. We all have a shadow self...  and it ain't pretty.  When a partner shows their shadow, they are being vulnerable - they are saying "Here I am with all my warts.  Can you still be in love with me?"   Indeed, I am grateful for the opportunity to see my partner in his wholeness - the yin and the yang.  Now I can know the truth about who this is I am expending this preccious resource on to, this love....

As long as shadow is addressed and managed, it doesn't get out of control and won't ruin a relationship.  My grandmother taught me to walk the medicime wheel for a full year with whomever I am loving, before I commit to the long-term.  I didn't do that properly in my first relationships.  It is something I did do with Brian. I am glad to know his shadow side, and grateful that he accepts mine.  In my state of physical challenge I don't act like I did when we were dating.  Love deepens as we embrace and are grateful for the vulnerability a person shares when they show their shadow. Own it and love them.  If they are the right person, you'll know that completely and without hesitation after that full year on the wheel...  if they aren't the right partner you  love them as a person, from a distance, and thank them for what they taught you about yourself and your way of right relationship.  No fear required, no fear involved. Move on and know you've honed your relationship skills.