So here I sit on this the twenty-fifth of August, alone for a whole day for the first time all summer. I have no appointments, nothing structured and no "have to's". I'm almost giddy - in fact if I'm honest - I am giddy. For all the work I do in public I'm actually a loner! To that end alone time is really important to me and I recognize (often in hindsight when I'm building up a cranky) it's because I haven't had time just by myself. Those boudaries again...
If someone phones I won't answer... Emails can wait until after Labour Day. I've longed all these weeks for some actual time off. That being said, we're still preparing Angeni for her fledging of the nest on September 4, which goes without saying... The shopping for clothes and dorm supplies has happened. She's pulling her transition items together on the table in my studio preparing to pack them up on September 3rd. She's pulling out autumn clothes and making sure her laundry is caught up. Dad is in the process of reorganizing the setup of the van to accommodate appliances and moving dollies. It's a good excuse to strip the van of all garbage and recycling. I will encourage a thorough vacuuming. I think today while they are gone to Kitchener I will use this opportunity to disassemble the shrine to Hello Kitty. So far I've been saying quite publicly that I won't be sad to see Angeni go, but putting away this marker of teenage silliness instills nostalgia.
A lot of the thoughts bubbling up over these past weeks revolve around end-of-life issues. I've done my best to suppress them but it took until yesterday for me to realize I am overlaying end-of-life with end of cycle, specifically the parenting cycle. There are huge differences and my emotional self is now coming more in alignment with my spiritual knowledge around these concepts. The end-of-life thoughts are completely unnecessary and reflect anxiety, which is living in the future. I feel much calmer today because I can reconcile why these anxious thoughts bubbled to the surface. It's a conditioning really; old tapes and loops reflecting ways I used to think. The stress of having my daughter go to University brought up the old tapes and loops. I am reflecting and consciously choosing now to remove those old tapes and loops and put them in the recycling bin, so to speak... They do not serve me and would create depression and despondency in my physical selfhood. Dangerous stuff, especially to health. So I'm glad I can nip these feelings in the bud and replace them with more proactive, healthy processing. Sometimes our home is a little bit like the shoemakers shop. The old proverbial shoemaker's children go barefoot because he is just too busy, tired or uninterested in making shoes for his own children. Sometimes I'm just too tired to apply on myself the same standards and principles I would use with my clients.
So here I am at the Angel moment of 11:11. I'm going to get off this machine now and go play in my studio! I have a few wee quilts to finish binding. It's hard to believe it's barely a month away until the Bay Studio Tour on October 1/2nd. I hate to say it but I work better with a deadline.
Have a wonderful week. Peace.